The Emotional Load of Caring: 5 Small Shifts for Working Families
What is the emotional load right now when you think about your caring role?
What is the mental load that you are carrying at this precise moment?
Perhaps it consists of work, early starts, long days, running the kids around, and checking in on family members. Or you feel that you are constantly spinning plates, and the emotional tracking of everyone else’s needs comes with a quiet pressure to keep it all ticking over. This is what keeps your brain full and your nerves on high alert.
This is the emotional and mental load of caring for your family and perhaps elderly relatives.
For me, the way I like to view my emotional and mental load is it is all the unseen effort that goes into caring for others:
· remembering to send in the school trip form
· keeping up with the school communication and class chats
· planning meals around everyone’s schedules
· booking the dentist
· checking in on your aging parents
· noticing when your teenager’s mood dips
· managing bedtime meltdowns
· juggling the logistics of life
It's not just doing the tasks, it’s holding the responsibility and headspace for them, even when you’re not the one carrying them out. These tasks have to be done, but they can be invisible to others, so it’s easy to downplay or dismiss, like it doesn’t count as much as taking the family away on holiday or going to work.
Over time, you might find yourself snapping more easily, struggling to sleep, or feeling like you’re failing at everything, even though you’re doing your very best. Your mental and emotional load grows as caring is woven into daily life. It’s hard to switch off.
Then, if that wasn’t enough, guilt likes to rear its head. Guilt for: not being fully present at work, missing a school event, not checking in on your elderly mum, needing five minutes of peace. It can feel like a lot because it is.
Ultimately, all of this means that you are heavily invested (for all the right reasons) in those around you and this is not a bad thing but let’s look at 5 small shifts you can make to help lighten the load, that could loosen the pressure valve a little. As let’s face it, unless you a magician, you are not able to magic the load away.
1. Get it out of your head
Carrying the mental load in your head can often mean that something is dropped, missed or overlooked.
I encourage you to do a weekly, if not daily brain dump, take 5 minutes and get everything out onto a piece of paper. The act of writing here is important rather than typing it into a device, writing helps you to process. It doesn’t need to be perfect; it is a conscious stream of thought that your brain needs to let go of. Once you have completed your 5 minutes of writing, scan back through, is there anything here that needs to be actioned, added to a diary, or you need to have a conversation with someone else about? If there is, then if it will take you 2 minutes or less, do it now. If it needs a little longer, how are you going to remember to do this? Email to yourself, add to a master ‘to-do’ list or can you delegate?
I do encourage you to use whatever works: lists, phone reminders, wall planners, shared calendars on devices. Getting thoughts out of your head helps you stop spinning, even briefly. Visual tools also help others see what’s going on and offer help more easily.
2. Ask for Specific Help
At times we can feel it is simply easier if we just do everything ourselves, possibly because the act of asking for help is difficult or you want it done in a specific way.
How many times have you said or had it said to you: “Let me know if you need anything?” It sounds nice, but it rarely leads to action, and this is where you may start to feel frustrated or resentful. Instead, ask clearly: “Could you pick up the kids on Thursday?” or “Can you take over cooking dinner this weekend?” Specifics make it easier for others to say yes.
3. Let Go of ‘Perfect’
Sometimes the pressure comes from within. That feeling that you have set your expectations so high, and you are never going to achieve anything you set out to do. Give yourself permission to lower the bar.
· A simple dinner is still dinner
· A kind word matters more than a perfectly organised day
· A quick text message, shows someone you were thinking of them
How do you feel that perfectionism is showing up for you?
4. Create Tiny Pockets of Space
When you think about your week, does self-care or moments for yourself even make it into your mind?
Let’s reframe the thinking around self-care, it doesn’t need to be spa days or long breaks, although if you can fit them in, go for it.
I would like to encourage you to look at self-care in micro moments, possibly anchored into something you are already doing so you remember to do it, such as whilst brushing your teeth, do 5 squats (movement and exercise are good for your mental health).
These self-care moments can be:
· five minutes with a coffee before anyone else wakes up
· a quick walk after dinner
· shutting the door and listening to a favourite song
· taking a deep breath when you are feeling overwhelmed (an in through your nose and out through your mouth, breath)
Reclaiming even small moments reminds you that you exist outside of what you do for others.
5. Talk to Other Carers
There’s so much comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Whether it’s friends, online groups, or trusted colleagues, connect with people who get it. Sharing stories helps lighten the emotional weight, even if the to-do list stays the same.
Can you pick up the phone right now and chat to someone?
Make a list of people who you feel ‘get it’. Prioritise reaching out to them.
You are not a machine. You are a human being, caring deeply for the people you love, often while holding down a job and managing a hundred tiny details each day.
Recognising the emotional load is the first step. You don’t have to fix everything or be everything to everyone. Just start where you are, take small steps, and know that caring for yourself is just as important as caring for others.
This was originally written for Aviva
