When Everything Turns Into a Battle: What Might Be Happening Underneath the Behaviour?
“Shoes on, please.”
“Have you brushed your teeth?”
“It's time to come off your screen.”
“Can you get your homework out?”
They are ordinary, everyday requests. Yet somehow they can become the starting point for an argument, negotiation, complete refusal or an emotional explosion.
And when it happens again and again, it can begin to feel as though everything has turned into a battle.
There are times in family life when this seems to happen more than others. Routines change, expectations increase, everyone is tired or there is simply more going on than usual. Your child may have coped brilliantly through the school day, only to fall apart over something seemingly tiny when they get home.
It's very easy in those moments to focus on the behaviour we can see.
Why won't they just do what I've asked? Why does everything need an argument? They managed this perfectly well last week.
But what if we became curious about what we can't see?
The same behaviour doesn't always mean the same thing
Two children can both shout “NO!” when asked to get ready for school, but what's happening underneath may be completely different.
One might be struggling to stop what they're doing and transition to the next thing. Another might be worried about something happening at school. One may be exhausted. Another might feel overwhelmed by the number of instructions they've already processed that morning.
For some children, particularly those who are neurodivergent, what looks like a straightforward everyday request can feel like another demand on a system that is already working incredibly hard.
The behaviour looks similar. The reason underneath it isn't necessarily the same.
That's important, because if we assume we know why our child is behaving in a particular way, we can very quickly find ourselves responding to the wrong thing.
A child who can't manage something in that moment may look very similar to a child who simply doesn't want to do it. A teenager who appears rude or dismissive may be overwhelmed, worried or desperately trying to hold things together.
It doesn't mean that the behaviour is always acceptable. It means that understanding what's driving it gives us a much better chance of deciding what to do next.
The battle isn't happening in isolation
There's another person in these interactions too: us.
We might already have asked four times. We're late. Someone can't find their PE kit. Another child needs breakfast. We're thinking about the meeting we have at nine o'clock and wondering whether we've remembered to put the bins out.
By the time we say, “Please put your shoes on,” we may already have very little patience left.
Then our child's response lands.
Suddenly, it isn't only about the shoes. It can feel like Why won't you listen to me? Why do I have to ask you five times? Why does everything have to be so difficult?
Our own emotions have joined the interaction.
This isn't about blaming ourselves or expecting parents to remain endlessly calm. We're human too. But our capacity is part of the picture, and sometimes becoming curious about the whole situation, rather than simply our child's behaviour, can tell us much more.
If the same battle happens repeatedly, start looking for the pattern.
Does it happen at a particular time of day? After school? When everyone is rushing? When your child has to stop something they enjoy? When several instructions are given at once? When they're hungry or tired? Does it happen more often when you're already stretched yourself?
Sometimes the pattern gives us clues that the behaviour alone doesn't.
Understanding doesn't mean giving in
This is an important distinction.
Being curious about what's underneath behaviour doesn't mean removing every expectation, avoiding boundaries or allowing our children to behave however they like.
We can understand that a four-year-old is furious about leaving the park and still leave the park.
We can recognise that a teenager is exhausted after holding things together all day and still have expectations about how people speak to one another at home.
We can acknowledge that stopping a screen is difficult and still turn the screen off.
Understanding may not change the boundary. It can change how we help our child get there.
Sometimes that means fewer words. Sometimes it means acknowledging how they feel before repeating the boundary. Sometimes it means giving more warning before a transition, offering a small amount of choice or simply recognising that this isn't the moment for a lengthy conversation.
And sometimes we might realise that the battle we're about to have doesn't actually need to be a battle at all.
Start with curiosity
There isn't one script, consequence, reward chart or parenting technique that will work every time.
Our children aren't robots, and neither are we.
But we can change where we begin.
Instead of immediately asking:
“How do I stop this behaviour?”
try asking:
“What might be happening underneath this behaviour?”
You won't always know the answer. You don't need to.
The question encourages us to pause long enough to notice what else might be happening. To look for patterns. To consider what our child might be finding difficult and what we ourselves are bringing into the interaction.
From there, we have a much better chance of responding to the child in front of us rather than simply reacting to the behaviour we can see.
That's where I come back, time and again, to three things:
Curiosity. Connection. Communication.
Get curious about what's happening. Find the connection before trying to solve the problem. Then think about how you communicate what needs to happen next.
It won't mean there are never battles in your home. Family life doesn't work like that.
But sometimes changing the question we ask ourselves is enough to change the direction of what happens next.
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About Anisa
Anisa Lewis is a Parenting Coach, speaker and former Deputy Headteacher who has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. Through her work with parents, schools and organisations, she helps adults become curious about what's happening underneath behaviour and find practical ways forward that support calmer, more connected family life.
